Your Wish is Our Command

The doctors have all agreed that mom's body is shutting down. Every time they do something to help, she has some sort of reaction to it. They have tried everything too.

It is time and mom agrees. We are now done with pills, doctors and IV's and mom was VERY capable of making that decision on her own yesterday about this. It was a very difficult conversation to have with her. We have to be grateful for her knowing exactly what she wants right now.

She has clearly stated she wants to go home so with the support of hospice and my brother we will see mom through what looks like will be her last days on this planet. She will get home today. It is where she wants and deserves to be.

I am scared.

WA Update

I am still up in WA and this past week has been a bear. We finally got the bone marrow biopsy results yesterday and mom has a chronic marrow disease that will be left untreated. Untreated only because her body cannot handle any more. She is so sick of all the poking and prodding and doing more of that at this point may cause more problems since she is so weak. That said, she is still in the hospital. I have been able to be her advocate in there on a daily basis which has been a super good thing. This disease will not cause any more pain but will likely cause her to have her life end due to an infection.

I do feel like a stone wall that is crumbling on the inside. This is all so hard. My worst days were last weekend when I realized what is happening with mom and what her desires were. Since then I have kept it together pretty well. I attribute that to all of you too. Without all your support and just letting me know you are there for me has been a god send. Just know that you can't say the wrong thing to me right now and don't be scared to give me a thumbs up. I need that right now. I am glad to be able to know what I need in these times and to be able to tell you. I have had friends go through these things and I was scared to say or do anything to acknowledge the hell they were going through because I didn't want to make them cry or say something wrong. These are hard situations but I am happy to have all your support everyone!! Thanks! And, the second I stop talking to doctors, nurses, cna's, lpn's, nutritionists, chaplains, social workers, etc. I may actually return your phone calls and such. : )

Today we are to decide what is next for mom. She cannot be alone at all anymore which means a change of life for her and possibly for my brother and I. I talked to the social worker at the hospital yesterday about options for about 3 hours. Needless to say my head was spinning all day and night. So much emotional stress, tons of thinking/contemplating and being pulled in in all directions!

Mom is definitely at the point where she is having more bad days than good. She is on the other side of the bell curve now unfortunately. All she wants to do is sleep as there is someone in her room every 2 hours AT LEAST doing things for her (bringing food, taking blood pressure, checking up, getting warm blankets, physical therapists, etc). That is what you call good care but it continues all night for her and rest is nearly impossible which contributes to how tired she already is. Poor thing.

The nice news is that when I went to see dad, he seemed to recognize me. It took him about 30 minutes to do so but once he figured out who that chick was sitting in front of him, he cupped my hand in his two hands and shook it vigorously as if to say good to see you. He then tried to form words and sentences to let me know he was happy to see me. Apparently it has been a LOOOOOOOONG time since he has tried to talk. He got a few unrecognizable words out that sounded like "happy" and "here". So he is happy to see me and glad I am here! That is what I am going with and I am sticking to it!! : ) Actually, that what he would always say to me when I came home for a visit so I wouldn't doubt that he was trying to say it again.

Since the stroke took his ability to speak, read, write and communicate away, dad is left to his actions to let us know if he is happy or not and let me tell you, he is a man that still knows what he wants!!! You start pushing the wheel chair one way and if that isn't the way he wants to go, out those feet come out as breaks. It is pretty funny...well as funny as not being able to communicate at all is. Ugh.

The other good news is that I have been able to squeeze in a nice long bike ride each day!! It has been just what I need to cap off extremely busy days at the hospital, nursing home and running errands for mom in between. And the weather has been cooperating too on that one!

Here is a picture of the old sandpits from the 1800's that are next to the bike path.

And the Narrows Bridge of course!

Thanks again for all your support!

Done with the Fight

If you are in a good mood, then don’t read this.

After being home now for just over 24 hours I can tell you that I am clearly embarking on what is going to be the hardest journey of my life so far.

As some may know my mom fell last weekend while visiting my dad in his nursing home. The door in the unit he is in has a 15 second timer and that was too short for my 79 year old mom to get through the door in time with her walker.

This put her in the hospital on Tuesday of this week. Things looked to be going well with no broken bones, a clean MRI and all other signs pointing towards her getting released by Friday. Seemed to be just another day at the hospital.

That was until we got her blood test results back. They came back with low red blood cells, low platelets and more importantly a fatally low white blood cell count. So low that her choice was to either die or get a transfusion right away. My mom refused the transfusion for a few days until the doctor, myself and my brother who lives here in WA talked her into it.

In addition to a transfusion on Friday they also decided to do a bone marrow biopsy to see why her marrow is not producing the white blood cells the way it ought to be. This requires a needle being injected all the way into the bone marrow in order to get a sample and to give you an idea of how much pain mom is already in (from what we think is caused by her Rheumatoid Arthritis) she said that the biopsy didn’t hurt a bit.

There could be many reasons her white blood cells are low, to include her Rheumatoid Arthritis to prescription pills she is taking to Leukemia. We are waiting for the results.

I am pretty sure though that the results don’t matter to her anymore. Mom has taken her own destiny into her own hands. She is ready to let go. The excruciating pain, the way of life and probably the fact that dad is in hospice are all wearing on her.

When I saw her yesterday afternoon for the first time in 6 months she looked like a skeleton at no more than 70 lbs. Her upper arm is as small as my wrist which took me aback on first glance. She is not eating due to many reasons right now. One, food seems to make her ill, two, she says it all tastes metallic, and three, it requires moving which because she is in so much pain she doesn’t want to do for a bunch of food that doesn’t taste good and will make her nauseous.

Makes sense to me and I am now ready to stop the nagging her to try and get her to eat. Why? Because I have done it for almost a year now from near and far and have gotten nowhere with it. Ok, maybe she actually took 3 tiny bites of a piece of toast instead of 2 because of me nagging but I am fighting her on it every step of the way. That vibe is good for neither her nor me.

But before I came up here to WA I came to terms with the fact that this (not eating) is her way of letting go of her life whether subconscious or conscious. As hard as that is for me, I am ready to be at peace with her decision and to accept it and to enjoy my final times with her vs. yipping the heck out of her all day. We can enjoy thoughts and memories together and maybe I can even get to know her a little better too while I am at it. That is way better than nagging her and trying to force an issue that she clearly does not want forced any more.

Yesterday in the hospital I asked her if she understood that by not eating she will not be here by Christmas time. My hunches were confirmed when she said yes and then went on to say that she is ready to start the journey of her next life.

Do you have any idea how hard that was to hear?! It was probably my saddest single moment in my lifetime. I asked her how I am supposed to do this and mom told me to just think of her happy that she is with her mom again in the heavens above. She is clearly ready to go and it makes me sick. I am so scared. More scared than I have ever been in my whole life.

As hard as that is, I am happy that she is clear headed enough to make these big decisions. She has a fully functioning brain and is very with it despite her rapidly deteriorating body. We know that she is speaking up about something she knows she wants.

She wants this and OMG it is so hard to accept but I will support her decision and enjoy what little time I have left with her at her hospital bedside. Could be days, could be months.

Got to admit though, knowing she will leave this world soon is unbelievable in the worst way of the word. I kind of wasn’t expecting it to go down like this in the end for her. Granted something great and crazy could happen to change things around but if it doesn’t, she will be gone extremely soon which is what she wants and is choosing.

I am going to respect the decision but it cuts like a knife if more ways than I have ever experienced. My emotions are out of control in every way.

Funny thing is mom has ALWAYS only thought of others her entire life and I am very proud of her for finally thinking of herself first. It is sad that she is choosing this for herself but she is done with the fight that it has been for almost a year now. She is weak, she is tired and she is ready to not be in any more pain.

I am SO frightened and scared out of my mind. I cannot imagine how much water loss out my eyes I have had yesterday, all night and already today. This is so hard.

I am now looking at loosing 2 parents at the same time!


I would love to hear from any of you out there - Please send your thoughts, comments, prayers galore, suggestions, ideas and experiences – I really do need to hear from you right now. I am so wrapped up in my emotions of all this that I feel so vulnerable.

The fear is overwhelming and the denial is even bigger.

Now We Are Talking!!! Nice!

Tour of Utah Stage 5-Park City to Snowbird

Chris and I decided to watch the riders descend down 32 from Kamas and cross US 40 as they ripped toward the feed zone that was by the Dutch Hollow Trail system in Heber.

Here are the leaders.



Last year they were all in a massive group and the speed at which they went through the intersection was beyond nuts. That also allowed for the cars that were being forced to stop and wait to go through the light to not have to wait that long.

Not this year though. There was a 3 minute gap to the leaders. This is the chase.


And some cars started honking because they were having to wait this whole time on US 40. Clearly they did not understand that there were about 100 more riders that still had to cross the intersection and that the race wasn't over just because 2 tiny groups already went through. Aye-yie yie.

The peloton rolls through.



More people were certainly out this year to watch the race in Heber which was cool to see it catching on. Met Tom Zirbel's aunt who was out from WY to watch him win yesterdays stage. Talked to some other people too who had no idea what a feed zone was which I always laugh at because that is everyday terminology for us silly cyclists. But.......NO...they don't all sit down and have brunch in the feed zone for an hour. I love it!!! Too funny.



After everyone whizzed by, Chris and I made a bee line in our car to make it over to the other tippy end of the valley to watch the riders make their way down Provo Canyon. And they were flying so fast that we barely barely barely made it in time, even knowing all the back roads short cuts!! Amazing.

And following those guys was the caravan......

For some reason I just love the caravan and took shot

after shot


after shot

of silly team cars going by.

I think I must be a sucker for all the bright colors. Go figure.

Pro XCT Short Track - Windham, NY

(Zephanie, Heather, some chick)



And yet another day where my head was faster than my legs. What do I mean? I know where I should be in the pack and have total confidence when I am there BUT with my emotional beat downs all seasons long, my fitness just isn't quite there to make that happen. What a weird problem to have eh? Usually it is the other way around where you have the ability to be up front but freak out when you are up there. Man, this year has been a bear for me!!

I actually had a really super great start and lasted a few laps at the leaders pace but after that it was off the back for me. It was as though I hit a wall. And when I hit that wall, I couldn't help but notice the thick humid air that was pounding down on my back while trying to survive the rest of the 20 minute race. It really took everything I had to will the thoughts away of how dang hot and humid it was at that time!

Heather had a solid weekend.


The start of the last race of my mtb season.


Cmag (team mechanic/manager) making sure all is well with me before the start. Cmag is so great!



Zephanie had a great day today!

After the race we did a little of this.

Zeph's bike box is pretty much ready to be recycled as it is barely held together with tape.

And Heather and Colin did a little of that.

You are never too old for floaty toys!

Then to celebrate we went to the local Salami Shop as we were calling it and got cheese, prosciutto, some flat bread, wine and fresh local veggies.

Chris opted for a fresh jar of honey.

And with that the mountain bike season is DONE. Onto racing cyclocross next..........after some much much needed rest and emotional recovery time for me that is.

Pro XC Tour #6 - Windham, NY

Dang It!

Cycling Videos on CyclingDirt

Race Tomorrow

Today was nice out, down right hot actually. The course is drying up but is getting chopped up too. Some rocks that were laying down flat before are now pointing upwards making the wooded sections pretty interesting!

The biggest obstacle tomorrow will be going at a good clip from a bright sunlit non technical open ski run to getting things under control as you enter the technical, rocky, rooty and wetter woods all while being anaerobic. Ah yes....good ole mtn bike racing!

I am up for the challenge!

Windham, NY

Woke up this morning to drizzle. Notta shocker. But the real shocker was it all clearing out by noon making for a really super nice day to explore.

Thought I was lost about 30 times though since googlemaps didn't quite have all the roads in it.

This ride was crazy because you started in the dense trees and then suddenly plummeted down down down down to all the open farmland.

It was beautiful and pleasant ride. Something I need more of!

Windham, NY Pre-Ride

I would have to say that things are pretty dry around here by east coast standards (not Utah standards at all!!). It is kind of funny because most the course is "dry" and then you hit the one mud bog that is totally unavoidable and you are suddenly covered with mud and hay. I came back from pre-riding and my team asked how it was and I said dry and they just looked at me weird because I was covered in mud but reallyit is dry!!

I am going to have to remember this swinging chairlift during the race as it sits right off the course. A girl could use a little rest in the middle of the race!!

The course certainly doesn't climb as high as it did last year but it does have just as many fun sections with man made bridges and rock gardens and really darn good singletrack. This is a place you would want to ride for fun indeed.

So the big thing for me today was seeking out the place I broke my hand and I think I found it. This is the section I am pretty sure. It looks like straight singletrack there but the entrance to it is steep and rough and makes a turn right before it straightens. I washed out there and stuck my hand out to catch myself in the gap on the left.

These rocks are the reason my hand exploded. I told everyone that I heard a snap and I was pretty sure there were no sticks around!!! I was right!

So instead of being intimidated by this section, I decided to show it who is boss by marking my territory. That is right. I am in charge here! : )

Hanging at the House

This place is great with pool, hot tub, horse shoes, games, swings, tons of videos and all kinds of random stuff we can do after our rides.

Here is Colin chatting on the phone on the swing. Cmag will have one of those doll houses in the background when he arrives from Baltimore on Thursday.



That will be his own little pad next to our pad!

VT to NY

After doing a muddy team ride on some of the local kick a** singletrack trails in Vermont we loaded up the van chalk full of all of the teams junk and drove on over to Windham, NY. Bout a 3.5 hour drive maybe.



The drive was nice (no rain!!) and we even got Heather Holmes to a Gluten Free Bakery in Albany, NY. Ever see a kid in a candy store?



Hanging in Windham until next Monday.

Pro XC Tour #5 - Mount Snow, VT STXC

Wow short track sure does hurt when you haven't been doing high end training. How fast you lose it!! I was lucky to have finished 12th today I think. But once again I felt good today despite lack of fitness, had a good start and suffered like a dog throughout the race. The climb was longer than normal (see a trend here?), the day was a little more humid but things were dry for the most part. It was a solid day but I am capable of way more and look forward to being able to produce the results again as my fitness comes along from the time off I took a few weeks ago.


There to watch the sufferfest and to cheer for me was Laura Wesson. She used to work at Deer Valley in the kitchen forever and ever. She lives in Vermont now and came down to watch the carnage and catch up.





She is one of the sweetest people I know and she and I have a lot of very similar things going on in our lives with sick parents. We had A LOT to talk about.

That evening the team had a nice dinner at home made by Andy and Sam Schultz, cooks extraordinaire.




Off to Windham, NY tomorrow.

Pro XC Tour #5 XC - Mount Snow, VT

I guess I don't need to say anymore than this about the race today: