Friday, December 5, 2008

Fight or Flight?

I am emotionally drained at this point. Dad has had 2 TIA strokes in the last 10 days and is currently in the hospital. And in addition last week mom discovered a tumor in her neck that has doubled in size already. She needs surgery and soon.

This has all been a part of my "recovery" week and it has made things super tough in every way. My mind is constantly going all night long:

Do I fly home to see my parents? Do I stay here in UT? Will it help to go WA? Will it help ME to go there? Can I accomplish what I need to over the phone? What about training? What about recovery? What about seeing my husband for the first time in 2 weeks before leaving him again? Can I train in WA effectively? Does it matter? Should I forgot all this that I have worked for all season and just go home? What about my home? Get on a plane again to accomplish what? Will dad make it? Will mom be OK? Do they need my help physically? How about emotionally? I am happy with my last conversation with my dad? Will that sit well with me the rest of my life? Is he ok not seeing me? Does he wonder where I am? Would it make him stronger to see me? Will it make me stronger to see him? Does mom need support with her own doctor appts? Would I be a complete wreck if I went home? What about moms surgery? Does she need help with dad? Can mom ask the proper questions about dad? Can mom ask the proper questions about her own ailments? Can mom handle all this? ...... Can I handle all this?

I am a basket case as you can see. I feel like I have been beat down, chewed up and spit out. I am trying to make it through this tough time but its so difficult. It is tough to get on the bike and beat the living hell out of yourself when life is doing it for you already on a daily basis.

I have been down this road before with dad and mom. And oddly enough it was over the Portland USGPCX weekend last year too. Dad had a stroke then that put him in the hospital the morning of my race. But somehow I pulled it together and had my best race of the cross season that day. So I have done it before but can I do it again?

All these questions and things going on just make me want to throw in the towel. To lay down, curl up and forget it all. I have had enough challenging circumstances this year with all my broken body parts and I will tell you what, that is emotionally draining to go through that. It is a fight every day that you are broken and trying to make a comeback and its soooo tiring. I did that twice this year successfully but I am not sure I am up for another fight, as this is clearly going to be to get through it.

Life is anything but normal for me right now yet again.

After much ado and turmoil I have come to the conclusion that it is not like me to run from problems or things. It is more like me to take those problems and things and use them as fuel. Running is not how I got to where I am, nor will it be a good way to get where I want to be in the future. It is not a good lesson to myself to run. It would be like a DNF to just lay down, give up and give in. And I can't have any DNF's that are in my own control. Yes it would be the easy way out to hang the bike up for a few weeks right now but I can't, I won't.

I am going to fight. I am going to fight for my dads sake, my mom sake, and for my sake. Mom and dad have been fighting for years whether it was in their business, building their home and now with their health. I know where I get my fight from and there is no reason to run right now.

I need to finish out my season as strong as possible and just go for it! The US National Championships are next weekend in Kansas and I want redemption dang it!!!! I have been chomping at the bit to get my redemption ever since the moment that I flatted on the last lap in 6th place! I just need to remember that feeling after the race and use it for the fuel that I need desperately right now!

KS here I come!

Hey, those are my initials.....and no I am not talking to myself although my state of mind is clearly on the edge for sure. : )

3 comments:

Patricia Sherwin said...

Kathy,

I hope you do well in your Kansas City race. Your Dad has always known that you love him even if he is in and out of cognition. It's hard to know what to do and when to do it. I'm sure you tell your Mom how much you care about her welfare and those thoughts will hold her until you can spend time with her again.

And anything I can do to help...just say the word.

Love, Patricia

Mother Theresa said...

no decision is a wrong one..it's about whether or not you can deal with the consequences of the decision....go for it!

pat t cakes said...

Nothing kills stress like putting yourself deep into the pain cave. good luck