Thursday, August 7, 2008

Funk - 0 - (not so) Licious

I have been is such a funk these last few days. I feel lost. I feel sad. I feel lonely almost. I don't know what I am doing half the time. I want to just simply be doing what I love to do. That is all I ask.

But I can't.

The more I pedal in my basement on my trainer which I have been every day, the more I realize how much I need the outdoors to survive. It is how I have operated for years being able to train every single day outside in the the spring, summer, fall and even winter on most days OUTSIDE. And now I find myself stuck in my basement in the middle of summer. Don't get me wrong, I am happy that I am able to pedal but I am saddened to believe that it seems to not be enough right now.

When driving I can spot cars a mile a way with a bike on them or in them and it just feel like a jab in my heart. I am happy for everyone that can ride but for me its just another reminder that I can't outside. I feel like crying and feel like I don't have control of anything right now. I do have control over how I feel I guess but its hard right now and I wake up each day hoping these feelings have gone away. But they haven't. I am for lack of a better word, depressed at the moment.

I want to race, I want to ride outside. I can't. This is hard. I guess I should have comfort in knowing that I will be able to ride and race again and it will be one of the happiest days of my of life. Now I am crying rivers just at the thought of riding outside again. I want to so bad. The time is dragging but at the same time its almost been a month since I blew my hand apart (July 12th).

If I can make it through all this happy I will be so grateful, but its up to me. I go to bed every night and try to think of 5 things that made me happy today. Some days its easy to get the five and others its a struggle. It's funny when you do that how you realize that little things made you happier than you ever really knew. I am trying. I am trying so hard but its taking everything I have at the moment. It is a funk that I will come out of eventually.

That said, these wonderful gifts that sit on my table are a constant reminder of how many people are thinking of me and wishing me well and that really does make me happy.

I will get there, it may just take some time. I will tell you what though. After this experience that I am having, I do now realize that I am in the doing the right thing with my life. If I had ANY doubts on what I wanted to do with my life they have been erased because I absoulutely positively without a doubt love what I do and apparently can't live without it.


douglas said...

I lacerated my liver Aug of '06, Doc said no riding outside for 90 days - so I can understand how it is. I hope this puts a smile on your face:


Lacerated liver? Holy smokes...the things people go through amaze me!

I was "the butcher" full on yesterday in my basement.....but no fake jumps yet. Thanks for sending that along!

nicole said...

dear kathy,

In the midst of recovering from a broken shoulder, am missing time indulging usual passions: biking, kayaking, swimming. all out for 3-6months. I am finding that walking up in the mountains, though not the same AT ALL (especially coming back down!) at least gets me outside and that is healing. gardening with one non-dominant hand also is therapy.


A broken shoulder? Oh my goodness I am so sorry!

Thank you SO much for taking the time to give me suggestions on getting outside to heal. I need them!

nicole said...

Technically, it's the top of the humerus. add shoulder to the list of body parts you don't want to fly over your handlebars and directly on to. :)

One of the hard things, for me, is feeling left out. My friends offered to do a trainer party after work this week. We are going to set them all up in the backyard and suffer together. You can't really ask for better friends than that. So make all your loved ones feel guilty and come join you, at least one time!


Wow, you have some amazing friends to do that for you in the middle of the summer! Should be fun for you too! Heal up and hang in there.