But I can't.
The more I pedal in my basement on my trainer which I have been every day, the more I realize how much I need the outdoors to survive. It is how I have operated for years being able to train every single day outside in the the spring, summer, fall and even winter on most days OUTSIDE. And now I find myself stuck in my basement in the middle of summer. Don't get me wrong, I am happy that I am able to pedal but I am saddened to believe that it seems to not be enough right now.
When driving I can spot cars a mile a way with a bike on them or in them and it just feel like a jab in my heart. I am happy for everyone that can ride but for me its just another reminder that I can't outside. I feel like crying and feel like I don't have control of anything right now. I do have control over how I feel I guess but its hard right now and I wake up each day hoping these feelings have gone away. But they haven't. I am for lack of a better word, depressed at the moment.
I want to race, I want to ride outside. I can't. This is hard. I guess I should have comfort in knowing that I will be able to ride and race again and it will be one of the happiest days of my of life. Now I am crying rivers just at the thought of riding outside again. I want to so bad. The time is dragging but at the same time its almost been a month since I blew my hand apart (July 12th).
If I can make it through all this happy I will be so grateful, but its up to me. I go to bed every night and try to think of 5 things that made me happy today. Some days its easy to get the five and others its a struggle. It's funny when you do that how you realize that little things made you happier than you ever really knew. I am trying. I am trying so hard but its taking everything I have at the moment. It is a funk that I will come out of eventually.
That said, these wonderful gifts that sit on my table are a constant reminder of how many people are thinking of me and wishing me well and that really does make me happy.
I will get there, it may just take some time. I will tell you what though. After this experience that I am having, I do now realize that I am in the doing the right thing with my life. If I had ANY doubts on what I wanted to do with my life they have been erased because I absoulutely positively without a doubt love what I do and apparently can't live without it.